Reflections on Rest
It will likely take many moons before I’m able to process what I was able to access during the Better Selves Fellowship at Knoll Farm, a fellowship that gives leaders working for environmental and social change the opportunity to rest. Situated on a rolling hillside in Vermont, Knoll Farm is home to rows of blueberries patches, Icelandic sheep, curious chickens, and so much more.
During my week at Knoll Farm, I found myself wondering “who in my lineage has had the privilege to rest?” To just stop. I feel silly sometimes when I have enough space to just lay in my bed and think about ALL my feelings.
I am trying to drop into knowing that rest should be a right. A norm. Not a privilege. Not a sign of laziness. Rest gives way to restoration and renewal.
This week has been one of sitting with the grief and heartache of this past year, and honestly, of many years. Here alone without pressure to do anything or be a certain way, I was unable to turn away from the untouched parts of trauma and grief.
I sat in it.
Invited it in.
Rested in it.
Felt lifted by it.
Reeled from it.
Healed from it.
I was able to let down the wall of resilience I maintain to survive and give way to softness. I took the time to readjust boundaries that allow me to remain soft and energized in an unrelenting world. I reclaimed “no” even when it came with guilt and shame.
Remerging, I am now more than ever protective of my precious energy. Refusing to give energy to what doesn’t nourish me, isn’t in service of liberation, or love. I’m feeling more tender, powerful, and closer to myself. I once again am able to reach the depths of my empathy and love.
Rest is a blessing.
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“But breathe this deep because this is the message. We did it. We shifted the paradigm. We rewrote the meaning of life with our living. And this is how we did it. We let go. And then got scared and held on and then we let go again. Of everything that would shackle us to sameness.
Of our deeply held belief that our lives could be measured or disconnected from anything. We let go and re-taught ourselves to breathe the presence of the energy that we are that cannot be destroyed, but only transformed and transforming everything.
Breathe deep, beloved young and frightened self, and then let go again. And you will hold on. So then let go again.”
Evidence, Alexis Pauline Gumbs, Octavia’s Brood